- [MSG:] I just audibly asked myself if I wanted to masturbate. And then audibly agreed.
- [MSG:] Normal people don’t sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours…
- [MSG:] Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
- [MSG:] Don’t worry about my [family member]. S/He just hates you because you’re [description], not because we’re fucking.
- [MSG:] What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers.
- [MSG:] I should have listened to my dad and Mean Girls… If you have sex you’ll get pregnant and die.
- [MSG:] Well, fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
- [MSG:] I just folded my boss’s underwear, and I ain’t a maid. I need a drink and a raise.
- [MSG:] I can’t remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
- [MSG:] I’m fucking your [family member] right now.
- [MSG:] DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
- [MSG:] All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I’m not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
- [MSG:] If I banged a coworker last night but didn’t enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
- [MSG:] NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS.
- [MSG:] I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
- [MSG:] It happened again…
- [MSG:] Broke up with my married coworker… work is gonna get weird.
- [MSG:] I’m banned from the zoo.
- [MSG:] Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
- [MSG:] I’M WEARING A FLAG.
- [MSG:] You left your shoes at my place but remembered to take your vodka. I see where your priorities are.
- [MSG:] His internet history had “Disney Porn” on it.
- [MSG:] Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn’t even gay until five minutes ago..
- [MSG:] She said, “I don’t really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me” and I don’t remember anything after that.
- [MSG:] Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex.
- [MSG:] It’s like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here.
- [MSG:] What’s the worst that could happen? I’m already broke and my leg’s already broken.
- [MSG:] And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don’t act like I don’t do anything.
- [MSG:] I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious.
- [MSG:] Even my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser can’t make last night disappear.
- [MSG:] I was like, “um, that’s my butthole.”
- [MSG:] I don’t know how else to say this, but I think you’re a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I’ll be happier.
- [MSG:] Their flight hasn’t even left yet and the ‘buy food to keep yourself alive’ budget is gone on tequila.
- [MSG:] Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you.
- [MSG:] I’m sensing a Yuletide blowjob in your future and by future I mean tomorrow.
- [MSG:] There’s a naked man in my car right now.
- [MSG:] I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker…
- [MSG:] He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn’t have a test at 8am. It’s really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
- [MSG:] I’m going on a new diet. It’s called the “eat healthy otherwise boys won’t want to have sex with your fat ass” diet. Wish me luck.
- [MSG:] As long as you’re naked and covered in glow paint, I’m there.
- [MSG:] Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I’ve dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
- [MSG:] I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man, I love being a lesbian.
- [MSG:] Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
- [MSG:] He’s a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
- [MSG:] I would feel bad that’s he’s locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
- [MSG:] This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
- [MSG:] So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
- [MSG:] Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
- [MSG:] You owe me a new pair of boots, bitch.
- [MSG:] Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman ever.
- [MSG:] I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
“ I don’t w a n n a go. I don’t want
another award. I gave the last
little crystal trophy someone
gave me to the guy at
Caesar’s Palace. ”
“I’m just saying that they could be.
That was a long ass time ago,
so I’m just going to assume that
you were high or something. But
now I really want a cookie eating
“ You do realize you sound crazy right now,
right? Really. Should I have JARVIS start
monitoring your mental health. I almost
think I should.
Hey, I didn’t do drugs. I did booze.
There’s a difference. Get it right.
Go find a county fair. Don’t they have
that kind of thing at those? They do in
” I see the ability to hold a civilized conversation
wasn’t passed down from father to son. “
“ Conversations take two participants, ya know. ”
[ A pointed look clearly stated he
was insinuating that it was her fault. ]
“ He didn’t exactly play a big part in my life. ”
“Sorry, you’re wrong. It’s up for
discussion until I say it isn’t.”
“ What about your s u i t s , then? Wouldn’t
one consider those weapons, considering
that they’ve destroyed countless lives? Or
are those just tools of the trade? “
“ Destroyed? You mean saved? Or did you miss
the alien invasion bit? You’re welcome, by the
way. And I’ve been over this already with the
Senate Armed Services Committee. Iron Man
is not for sale, not property. I am Iron Man. ”
“ You have the grand gift of
It makes you quite invaluable as a
c o m p a n i o n. ”